Bozo With Your Nose So Bright, Will You Help Me Slay Tonight?
And so the serial killer, lost, alone and stumbling in the fetid, unrelieved darkness of deepest caverns, chanced upon a circus clown with a glowing proboscis. Whereupon the taker of so many lives said:
Bozo With Your Nose So Bright, Will You Help Me Slay Tonight?
Giving the Gift of Gag: Joke XMAS Gifts
Poultry in Motion and Another Hitler Joke
Let's face it gents, sometimes the ladies have it just about right. For instance, your run of the mill sports talk station is a waste of skin.
One day, under the guise of something called "Poultry in Motion", one of the local sports talk radio knuckleheads came up with a new wrinkle for the ever present "Hitler Joke."
In retrospect, that probably tells you everything you wanted to know about the Dallas Texas sports radio talk station called The Ticket. The running gag of one of their programs called "The Musers" is some kind of Hitler joke.
Okay, so the most recent attempt at using Adolph for humor came down to this.
How much money would it require for you to invariably adopt the heil Hitler salute in every photo taken of you from this moment forward?
It's not world peace but it's not the world in pieces either.
I wonder what the traffic lady on that other radio station has on her mind...
After that, surely Mike and Mike are back from commercials and I can occasionally hear remarks about a sporting contest again.
With any luck I will be at work and the morning jive will mercifully be over.
Glory Holes and Jerry Wipes
You now what they say about The Ticket: A bunch of guys hanging around the glory hole with a hand full of Jerry Wipes.
Some of the more disgusting parts of the pre-season Dallas Cowboys football media seem endlessly entranced by players who regurgitate on the sideline. Expect vomit cam soon.
Lizard Lips. Zygodactylous.
Chameleons. Lizards with opposable thumbs.
Or it is a bird?
Scram Jet hits Mach 6.0 X-51A Wave Rider.
Mach 6 is 6* the speed of sound= 6* 761.2= which is about 4,567.2 miles per hour. In other words you could cover a distance equal to radius of the earth (about 4000 miles) in less than one hour.
7 Deadly Cyber Sins
There are behaviors which will get your posts removed from social media blog sites. There are activities that will get your account temporarily suspended from news blog sites. And then there actions which are tantamount to digital suicide. Once you perform such actions you will suffer digital death. You will be cut off from information that might be the result of months of work or years of life and there will be no recourse, no reprieve and no appeal.
- The worst mistake you can make on the internet is to put all of your eggs in one basket. If you do your emailing, blogging and forum posting all in one place then a mistake anywhere can cost you access everywhere.
- Posting controversial opinions can get you banned from websites. What’s controversial depends on where you are. For instance, since most of the media feels a tingle every time President Obama reads from a teleprompter it would not do on many news or current event blogging sites to write a post calling the president, Chairman Obama as in Chairman Mao, or calling him a communist or stating that Barack Obama’s real name is Barry Soetoro and that he is a foreign-born, Marxist Muslim. Don’t try this at home kiddies.
On more conservative sites it might not be wise to assert that both Bush and Cheney are Satan worshiping, Nazi war criminals who ought to be tried for torture and starting an illegal war in Iraq. Unless you want your posts removed unceremoniously. If they can’t take a joke you might just get banned.
- Not everyone likes viewing sexy pictures of scantily clad coeds so don’t post those on more family oriented sites. Also, almost any candid picture of women protesting the fact that it is legal for men to be topless in public but not legal for women, can get you banned from many sites. Even if the women are painted so that nothing can actually be seen. Similarly, any candid photo of any type of burlesque gathering or celebration of adult film stars or erotica is not suitable for many websites and posting it could get you banned for life. Check around the website to see what others are posting before you get “dangerous” with your posting. If even the neighborhood nudist only posts pictures of his friends from behind, you have all the warning you need and all the warning you may ever get.
- If you are a member of a humor site, look around. If the level of humor is singing fruit and putting the heads of the famous people on break dancers, don’t post intellectual jokes. A joke that must be read and which does not move or do silly things and worse than that requires thought could be a disaster. And yes, the joke police will come by and remove your post for not being funny.
- On many sites only the house can bet. By this I mean that the site host can make money off of advertising. If you post in a way that makes it look like you are trying to make money off advertising some websites will suspend your post and no one will be able to see it. Still other websites will simply remove your post unceremoniously. And finally, some sites will do what was called in the DOS days: delete *.*. This is to say they will erase you from history. The next time you try to log in your login will not work. You may get an email stating that you violated the terms of the agreement and you are banned for life.
Your idea of what is too commercial and the blog site’s idea of what is too commercial will almost certainly differ. For instance, an article about how to make money from writing articles could be useful and even desirable to many people. But if you are not careful, that article could get you banned. For instance, it is easier to get away with posting an article that tells how to get your writings read or published than how to make money off your writing. If you avoid anything that sounds like a get rich quick, money making scheme you will be better off.
Avoid anything that looks like your spamming or scamming a site. Again, what constitutes this behavior can be in the eye of the beholder except that the Information Nazi who can ban you for life is always right. Even if you think the exact same set of remarks are perfect for ten separate forums on your favorite forum site, don’t copy and paste your “perfect” remarks. If you can not completely rewrite your remarks so that they appear to be from 10 different people, prepare to be banned for life.
Also be ware of the double post. It may seem to you that your first attempt to post did no work or may want to change the category that you submitted in. If in doubt. Log out. Go away for 30 minutes to and hour and then go see if your post is there. If so, then you have just avoided being banned for life for the transgression of double posting.
If you insist on posting the same information in a newer, more correct category, copy your post and save it some where like in a Word document. Delete the old post. Logout. Go away for 30 minutes to an hour or even longer if it takes that long for changes to appear on your site. Make sure that the old post is completely gone. Now post pearls of wisdom in the new category and cross your fingers. The information Nazis have wicked computers that may still insist you tried to post the same stuff twice and you will once again be banned for life!
For those of us who are not rich as famous, the internet can be a like a newspaper wherein we get out all the news that we see fit to print. In order make sure that the maximum number of people see our news, we might copy and paste that baby on many, many websites. Be advised that some blogging sites frown on this behavior and they will suspend, block or ban you for life for doing it.
- Some websites allow and even seem encourage an incredible amount of rudeness. People with the mentality of a 7th grade boy—the kind that thinks that vomit cookies and booger pie are the funniest concepts he has ever come across—are allowed and even encouraged to curse out anyone at any time. I was not actually surprised when I later heard of once such site that I have vowed never to return to, that on more than one occasion one site member has robbed and killed another. Pathological rudeness is a sign of sickness that you don’t want in your life. Stay out of there.
- If you are the kind of rude boy who goes about flaming folks, cursing, and stalking people, there are more than a few websites that will delete your posts and ban you for life but then, you deserve it.
Resurrection from digital death may not be possible. But there are ways to avoid committing cyber suicide.
- Stay off the internet altogether. If you don’t play, they can’t make you pay.
- If you do go on the internet never do anything controversial. This much easier than it may seem. Don’t blog. Stay away from forums. Do not participate in social media. Never post photos on the web. The waitress who was fired for complaining on social media about a bad tipper or the woman who killed by someone she met in a chat room were both performing activities that you don’t actually need to do even if your job is internet based.
- Create several identities on the web. Have one email identity that never does anything risky. He is all business and just applies for jobs or pays his insurance bill on line. On a completely different free email provider, create a totally separate personality that blogs, posts, and opines like there is tomorrow. When Risky Rick gets banned some place, create another throw away personality. If you really want to stick it to the websites that visit digital death upon their users, make the fake personality not only completely unlike you, make him unlike anyone. Give him an address in the most northern reaches of Alaska. Make him a Zoroastrian , albino from Albanian who grew up in Youjokeistan. Make the spam scammers chase you around the internet with ads you will never look at for products you would never buy.
- Do some homework and find out which of the free email providers will hold your email in perpetuity, even if you only visit your info once a year. Create a completely silent, dummy personality here who never says or does anything. His only purpose is accept copies of vital correspondence. Any information you cannot afford to lose is forwarded to the dummy. If you ever get banned or otherwise lose access to your main, vital email address, the dummy has your backup documents and you are not totally screwed.
- Trust the internet to screw you sooner or later. The only way to protect yourself from that is to always have a back up of important information on your own hard drive which you do not need internet access to see.
- If you are the adventurous, tech savvy type, consider hosting your own email server. You could even use Microsoft Outlook but that means you have to worry about Microsoft vulnerabilities. There are downloaded email packages out on the web that you should look into if you are a technical person. The bottom line is never crap where you eat. Never let your email access be tied to something that can get you banned for life.
- Reset all your passwords to something that is not in the dictionary and if possible has special characters and a mix of small and capital letters. If you have to, write the new passwords down and keep them in your wallet. If it is too easy to get into your email or blog accounts then people who don’t care if you get banned or not could hijack your accounts and start spamming everyone you know. All of the usual email precautions apply as well. Some email attachments are viruses. Unless you have specific knowledge that someone is sending you an attachment, there is always a risk in opening an email with an attachment and an even greater risk of opening the attachment. Links in an email should never be trusted—you don’t know where it’s been or where it’s going. Check the email of address of any correspondence that claims to be from an official source. Large companies have their own servers. Official looking email which came from a free email provider is at best spam and at worst a virus laded trap.
Digital Death Penalty
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